Episode 18: Ombudsus Metamorphosus

The following is the Ombudstillation of Episode 18 from 9/25/09

The Ombudsterbation of the lastest episode (#35) will be posted in the next couple of days.

----------------------------

Dearest Mr. Lebo and Mr. Sherlock,

As you might have guessed, I am a single man. Proper. Despite my bawdiness and desire to do so, I don't often find myself fucking, which facilitates, for better or worse, my having a roommate. We split the cost of rent and bills and on special occasions we watch the biggest loser together while tossing back something he calls,"fowdies".

I am an early riser.

I get up many hours before he does and am usually basking in my noon-time post-porn siesta by the time he wakes up. Nevertheless, I am privy to the unholy loudness of his alarm every morning, which for some reason goes off at 6am, and on a typical day, he sleeps through for several minutes - I can only imagine his dreams.

Today was special though as it lasted for three quarters of an hour, a personal record for my roommate.

It's important to note before going on that my morning consists of what you'd probably infer: a rigorous exercise regimen involving 7000 thrusts, 100 squats, 75 push ups, 40 pull-ups, 100 crunches, and 100 "tipsies," as I call them - it's an exercise of my own invention which blasts my calf muscles into the statospheres of extreeme manliness: while doing this exercise I evoke a not unsculptable image of physical perfection, whereby I stand up on my tippy toes while holding a 40 lb. weight and begin to bounce. Laugh it you want, but I'll have you know my butt cheeks are voluptuous and I can kick through a wall of concrete should such a need ever present itself.

Heee-yah!

Now back to my story, I was already awake at 6am. mid-thrust! When the thunderclap of my roommate's alarm detonated like the immortal cock of Jupiter raping the nymph of my ear. Yet my roomate remained. Comatose. Like his corpse was the very fields of elysium.

But what was this sound? It wasn't the typical "NErrr NErrr NErrrr" that I'm used to. Frankly, it was somewhat more musical: it was, in fact, the 1990 hit by C&C music factory, "Everybody Dance Now", apparently my roomie had mistakenly switched his alarm setting to the radio.

By a happy coincidence, my mind was changed and "Everybody Dance Now" proved to be a perfect soundtrack to my beastial manastics. I acheived greater confidence, singing along, and with little ado my stout-hearted thrusts were syncopated with the lacivious beat as was the magnificent madness of my jazz hands (which, as it so happens, are a normal part of my routine).

Oh, how I wish you could have seen me in my morning thrusts. My butt cheeks clenching, my chest heaving, the bellicose brawn of my spandex bulge.

Sure, my roommate slept through it all, despite it's impetuous volume. Which is remarkable in and of it self, but here is where it gets truly interesting; with the last note of "Everybody Dance Now, in what I can only conclude was a moment of pure Disc Jockying genius, Snap's hit, also from 1990, "I've got the power" began to thump my soul with it's aurally pleasing yet blood-curdling caveat, "I will attack and you don't want that!".

Listen.

I don't mind telling you, for my entire life, up until now, in my mind, these two songs were actually one in the same.

Not true.

And if I may digress, only briefly: for a moment, let's ignore the reality that it is inconceivable that anyone other than an exercising ombudsman would enjoy this music at 6 am; and let's instead focus on the fact that "I've Got the Power" and "Everybody Dance Now" are not just great songs in their own right, but also quite different from each other and I'll tell you why.

"I've got the power" is the one that goes, "It's gettin, it's gettin, it's gettin kinda hecktic"

But "Everybody Dance Now" is the one that goes, "Da da da da da ta da da da da da da"

Think about it.

Although both are in the same key and contain pretty much the same drum beat. It is nevertheless a fact that every dance song in 1990 had that exact same drum sample and overall formula.

I can prove it. Here is a non-exhaustive list of three more examples:

1

2

3

Mind bending, isn't it?

How is it possible that so many songs from the same year are exactly the same? Perhaps the answer can be found in your latest Episode, # 18.

First off, let's discuss this "Jon" person. Sure, he was charming, yes, he gave everyone a boner, of course, the IKE furry/D&D/WOW contingent loved him. But to my ears, this "Jon" as you call him, has the exact same voice as another man.

Who is this other man?

Get this.

I have done extensive research over the past several days, using very sensitive instruments. I have also collected samples of "Jon's" voice and I can conclusively show that it is indeed one in the same as the great Mr. Adam Palcher.

I think you, Mr. Sherlock, Mr. Lebo, have been duped by this "Jon" who is clearly Mr. Palcher in disguise.

It brings to mind the great work of Oscar Wilde actually, to be specific: The Importance of Being Earnest, an exceptional tale of a man who leads a double life but whose dastardly plot is flummoxed by a homosexual named Algernon. I may not have the virtue of being a complete homosexual, nor am I named Algernon but I am proclaiming here, now, today and forever that this "Jon" is, and has always been, Mr. Adam Palcher!

It is not just their identical voices and laughs that make me think so either.

Let me tell you a little story, it's no The Importance of Being Earnest but it is nevertheless both important and earnest.

For the past several months I, a selfish and singleminded ombudsman, have been ombudsmatizing the I know everything podcast with disregard for the equally amazing, A DAMN PODCAST. For this, I can only offer the following insincere explanation that I've just now fabricated:

It isn't that I don't have love for that other podcast, I in fact love it so much that I have memorized the sound and tone of Mr. Palcher's heavenly voice, so much so in fact that I can even pick it out blindly when he is in disguise as this "Jon".

As my lord and savior would say, or as you call him Mr. Obama, "Look."

Mr. Palcher is incredible and has reliable taste in music. He is funny and insightful. Women love him. Men want to be him.

Also, concerning his alter ego:

Let's let "Jon" be "Jon" as Mr. Palcher has a most stressful life with the wife and kids, he needs this other life to get his sillies out. Also, I understand that this is his way of getting me to ombudsmolest his work. I think we all want to be appreciated, and let me be the first ever Ombudsman to ever say, Adam Palcher I appreciate you, and I also appreciate alter-egos created by genius men, alter-egos like this "Jon".

So I would like to therefore insist we allow Mr. Palcher, as himself to be a guest on the podcast.

Here is a non-exhaustive list of reasons Mr. Palcher should be a guest on I Know Everything:

1.) Dance-off between him and Mr. Lebo, would finally settle the imaginary score that has been a fantasy topic of much debate among your most die-hard fans.

2.) 7 words: Sunny Day Real Estate geek-out sesh.

3.) 2 more words: Worldwide Half-Chub.

And let me end this ombudmanization by saying that Mr. White was brilliant, as always.

And let me also say that I know ombudmanization is true, and that I, Charlemagne H. Saint Linus, am a true Ombudsman who has been chosen by god to give everyone the gift of prophesy that always makes perfect sense and never strays from the truth. I have faith in Charlemagne H. Saint Linus and I know that his teachings are true.

I say this in the name of myself, the father and the holy spirit of Ombudsmanship.

Sanctus benedictus,

-Charlemagne H. Saint Linus